Empathy might be the one skill every engineer should focus on
“In every walk with nature, one receives far more than he seeks.”
How it all started
I don’t think it is a secret to anyone that it is often hard for salespeople and engineers to work together.
In every single company I worked with, engineers and salespeople always seemed to be on a collision course.
Salespeople and engineers had different lunch tables, different working schedules, and different dress codes. It was easy to know who was part of the engineering team and who was part of the sales team.
It was also very common to hear stories about the “others”— in my case, the salespeople trying to sale features and products that didn’t exist and push them to engineers to deliver in record time without even asking them if it was possible.
As a fairly junior engineer, I didn’t question much these stories. I needed to belong and feel I was accepted by “the engineering team”. I wanted to be one of them.
Few years later, I eventually lead a small team of engineers. I had come to believe that my role as a engineering lead was to protect my engineers from upper management, and in particular from the sales department.
I didn’t want my engineers to be affected by the constantly changing roadmaps, and the continuous requests to deliver faster.
I was pushing back on everything that would impact my engineers.
Everything that wasn’t perfectly defined. Everything that didn’t make sense to us — engineers.
Our management and sales department wanted us to deliver features faster. We wanted to deliver them as perfect as possible.
One Monday morning, I arrived at the office ready to tackle the week’s challenges.
When I arrived, I was asked by my boss to come have a coffee with him in one of the meeting room to discuss something important.
Fifteen minute later I was cleaning my desk and packing all my books.
I had been laid off—laid off over a cup a coffee.
The company I had been pouring myself into, working 70h a week for the last three years, was letting me go without even bothering to say thank you.
Being laid off when you least expect it is brutal.
I remember the walk back home from the office like it was yesterday.
I was in disbelief. I was scared. I was hurt. I was sad. I felt betrayed.
It took me a while to recover.
In fact, it took me years to recover and begin to understand what had happened.
While I was told it was for economical reasons, I later came to realize that my attitude played a major role in that story.
I cannot exactly pin point the day when it clicked. It wasn’t a particular book or a conversation. Instead, it was the passing of time that helped me realize what had happened.
I eventually realized that there were plenty reasons that contributed to that event. While my boss might have had his own reasons, I could only assume responsibility for what I could change.
And one big thing I could change was improving my communication style and how I work with others.
I had failed to listen to the feelings and perspectives of others.
It had been us, engineers vs them, sales.
In other words, I had lacked Empathy.
What is empathy and why is it important (for engineers)?
But put simply, empathy is the ability to do two things: understand and share the feelings of others.
The ability to understand another person’s perspective is called cognitive empathy, whereas the ability to share their feelings is called emotional empathy.
While experts often distinguish the two, in this post, I will use the term empathy to refer to both capabilities: understanding and sharing the feelings of others.
With the pandemic looming over our heads and other more recent stressful events, empathic communication has become even more important and necessary. This is even more true since recent communications have become more virtual — including videos, social media posts, and emails.
Former U.S President Barack Obama said it well.
“The biggest deficit that we have in our society and in the world right now is an empathy deficit. We are in great need of people being able to stand in somebody else’s shoes and see the world through their eyes.”
While empathy is touted as a critical leadership skill, one that helps influence others in organizations, it is critical for engineers too.
Empathy allows us to better understand our customers, stakeholders, and team members. Improving our communication helps us make better decision and more productive meetings with fewer misunderstandings, and better working relationships. Ultimately, this leads to having more successful outcomes for the projects we work on.
As engineers, we often get to work on projects that can have a significant impact on people’s lives. By being empathetic, we can better understand the needs and concerns of those affected by our work and make more informed decisions. Engineers who are empathetic are more likely to consider the potential impact of their work on different groups of people, including marginalized communities and vulnerable populations. Empathy helps us overcome our differences.
Francesca Gino, Professor at Harvard Business School and author of “Rebel Talent” says:
“When we in fact react differently, when we show up with empathy and curiosity, we can create a connection that is truly meaningful and changes the way we look at each other.”
Finally, engineers who are empathetic are more likely to think outside the box and come up with innovative solutions to problems. Dr. Jeffrey Sanchez-Burks, Behavioral Scientist and Professor of Business Administration at the University of Michigan says:
“New ideas involve risk and potential failure. There’s also the fear of putting a new idea out there that others might judge harshly. But making new ideas stick also requires collaboration. So without some empathy […] your idea is a lot less likely to yield anything meaningful.”
So what can we do to boost our empathy levels?
Becoming more empathetic
The good news is that human are naturally able to cultivate empathy. According to the neuroscience research, our ability to empathize is wired into our brains.
We have a natural built-in talent for stepping into the shoes of others and understanding their feelings and perspectives.
Almost everyone can learn to be more empathic, just like we can learn to ski, ride a bike, or make pancakes.
Where to start?
A good place to start is to do a quick assessment of our own empathy.
Neuro-psychologist Simon Baron-Cohen published a test called “Reading the Mind in the Eyes”.
You can find the test here.
This test was developed in the 1990’s with pictures from British magazines.
It shows 36 photos of the eye region of the face and you have to choose which of four words best describes what the person in the photo is thinking or feeling.
Reading the Mind in the Eyes Test — by Simon Baron-Cohen
Researchers demonstrated there was a link between how well the different members of a team performed on this test and how well that team performed on solving complex problems. Two other factors that were found to be important for the team’s performance: (1) how equally team members contributed to the conversations, and (2) how many women were the team.
Finally, researchers found that females, on average, score higher than males on this test. This finding was observed across all ages and most countries.
For reference, in the original experiments, the average score for British adults was 26. The average result for students was 28.
Unsurprisingly, the test doesn’t work perfectly for people who are not native English speakers or for people who come from cultures that are very different. Many more factors affect the test’s accuracy (lighting, your screen, your emotional state, fatigue).
Take the test if you feel like, it is an interesting exercise. But don’t be too concerned about your score.
Improving our empathic potential
There are several ways to improve empathy. Here are a few:
Listen actively — When communicating with others, make a conscious effort to really listen to what they are saying. Shut down your computer notifications and put your phone away. Focus your full attention on the person talking with you. Be present, in the now, and make a real effort to listen and understand their perspective. If you find yourself wanting to interrupt them, resist the urge. Take a note on a paper, hold that thought, and listen until the end.
Put yourself in the shoes of others — Imagine how it would feel if it was you. This can help you understand their perspective and feel more empathy for them.
Be interested in others — When a meeting starts, instead of going straight to the first item in the agenda, make a point to asking people how they are doing. Ask them about their hobbies, weekend, or family if your cultural norms permits. Take the time to listen to their stories. Finding common interests always improves our empathy towards others.
Volunteer and help others: Helping others can be a powerful way to build empathy. Volunteer, donate to charity, help a person in need, neighbor, a colleague, or friend in need. In addition to improving our empathy, research shows that volunteering and giving to others can boost our physical and mental health. If you don’t know where to start, fell free to join me make a difference by lending to people in need around the globe.
Educate yourself: Read books, articles, and watch documentaries on empathy. If your work place offers training, apply to it. I personally love reading articles from the Harvard Business Review and also from Medium #psychology. There is always a something new to learn.
Ok — that’s great, but what can I do, as an engineer, to be more empathic, everyday at work?
Glad you asked.
Everyday empathy for engineers
There is one area in particular where empathy is extremely important for engineers and yet we constantly leave it out — reviews.
Whether it is a document, a code review, or a pull-request — the way we communicate can make a big difference in the performance and well-being of our team.
I cannot count how many times I have felt hurt, miss-understood, or even angry at a comment addressed to me. Yet, I have myself left many comments that I would not have liked to receive. Misunderstandings, conflicts, and arguments emerge really fast during reviews.
The trick, I learned, is to focus on growth rather than criticism. And this is where empathy is critical.
But don’t be a fool. It is hard and it required continuous effort.
I still find myself constantly needing to remind myself that behind a review, there is a person, like me, hoping to get constructive feedback rather than criticism. And yet, I still easily fall into the trap of criticism.
It is way easier to criticize than focusing on growth and constructive feedback, so the brain takes that shortcut.
Here are some ideas that can help us from falling in the criticism trap. I am pretty sure you can come up with more. So please, if you do have more ideas on the topic, add them in a comment or reach out to me directly and I will add them here.
When commenting on a review, offer suggestions, not orders. Prefer “You may want to think about […]”, “ How about […]”, or “ Did you think about […]” rather than “Do this and do that”.
Communicate positive intent and build discussions. Ask questions that encourage the person to talk openly and be clear that you want to work together to find a solution.
Recognize there are often multiple correct solutions, not just yours. It is a game of finding the right balance between the pros and cons of each solutions. So be explicit, and honest about them.
Understand the context for the review. Is this just for an internal test or will that be released for millions of customers?
Add references to your comments. Point to the evidence. Don’t just mention them and expect everyone to believe you. Your evidence might actually be outdated.
Give compliments where compliments are due and give credits where credits are due. Never take credit for someone’s else work.
Say thank you.
Mentor new members of the team. Don’t expect them to know the inside jokes or to understand the sub-culture of your team. Help them make their own decisions. Influence them with facts.
Remember that your colleagues have good intentions. They (probably) didn’t come to work with the idea of screwing your day. They might just have a bad day.
I will add one thing however. While empathy is critical, it is important to note that it has its limits.
Empathy is mentally and emotionally draining. It can even impair our ethical judgment. It’s a limited resource. The more we empathize with one person or group, the less we have left for others. Draining our empathy reserves can eventually impair individual and organizational performance.
So take your time. Don’t drain yourself.
Circling back to the beginning
“Perfect is the enemy of good.”
There are several reasons why it can be hard for salespeople and engineers to work together:
Different ways of thinking — Engineers tend to be more analytical and data-driven, while salespeople tend to be more intuitive and focused on the customer’s needs and emotions.
Different communication styles — Engineers tend to use technical jargon and focus on the details, while salespeople tend to use simpler language and focus on the big picture.
Different work styles — Engineers tend to be more methodical and detail-oriented, while salespeople tend to be more fast-paced and results-driven.
Different level of focus on the customer — Engineers tend to focus on the technical capabilities of a product or service, while salespeople focus on the benefits that the product or service can provide to the customer.
Despite our differences, it’s not impossible for salespeople and engineers to work together effectively, but it does require a certain level of understanding and flexibility.
By learning to understand and appreciate each other’s perspectives and working styles, we can all collaborate very effectively and achieve great results together.
And empathy plays a major role in that success.
In his 2017 MIT commencement address, Tim Cook, CEO of Apple, warned graduates:
“People will try to convince you that you should keep empathy out of your career. Don’t accept this false premise.”
Everybody behave the way they do for reasons that are dear to themselves. By bothering to discuss our different ways of doing things and understand why we were behaving the way we are, we can enjoy stronger collaboration, less stress, and greater morale.
Empathy is contagious. People tend to carry away and propagate care and altruism and we can all leverage these properties to propagate empathy in our workplace.
Employees from empathetic workplaces also tend to bounce back more quickly from difficult moments such as layoffs.
In a recent survey, over 80% of 150 CEOs recognized empathy as key to success. But today, only 20% of U.S. employers offered empathy training for their employees.
Despite the obvious, many companies struggle to make empathy part of their organizational culture.
As a member of the Amazon Principal Engineering Community, I am grateful that we have a tenet dedicated to Empathy.
Lead with Empathy
Principal Engineers shape an inclusive engineering culture where others are heard, feel respected, and are empowered. We are conscious of how our words and demeanor impact others, especially those with less influence; we take responsibility for that impact, intentional or otherwise. Our work builds productive relationships across teams and disciplines, and across a wide range of life experiences.
These are words I try to live by, and I hope that by reading them, they empower you too to embrace empathy and give it the attention it deserves.
Closing words
In 2011, Nokia’s new CEO, Stephen Elop, concluded it was necessary to address the dramatically changed competitive landscape the company faced in mobile phones. Elop decided to switch Nokia to using Windows Phone in February 2011. In the process, he abandoned all of the company’s existing and upcoming smartphones.
Elop’s strategy to shift Nokia to using Microsoft Windows also included closing the R&D centers and factories in 13 other countries.
Layoffs would eventually impact 18,000 employees.
I was one of them. My contract with Nokia Research was terminated.
Luckily for me, I already had a job offer on the table and didn’t have to compete with ten of thousands of others to find a new job.
It was 12 years ago but I remember that day like it was yesterday.
I got to work. Elop was in our main R&D building. He was visiting our office in Tampere.
Couple hours later, he made his announcement. His speech was quickly followed with HR consultations.
No one could believe it. Some people were crying. Most were in disbelief.
Nokia had been a giant, and it was falling apart.
Even though our jobs had been eliminated, we could still go to the office until negotiations between HR and employee representatives were done. We could still use all of the services. Nokia even assigned special teams of people to help us find new jobs.
During that time, I came to work several times to have lunch and coffee with my colleagues even if we didn’t have anything to do.
While I had only worked there couple of years, some of my colleagues had worked almost all their lives for Nokia.
Being able to go to the office and spend time together gave us the opportunity to help each other, say goodbye, and eventually turn the page.
I was not affected by the recent tech layoffs but it really breaks my heart to read all these sad stories.
It was hard when we were laid off by Nokia in 2011, but we had support. We had time to digest the news, talk about it, and let go.
It also was hard to be laid off over of cup of coffee, but at least it was done face-to-face.
Reading the stories from the past few weeks of people finding out that they have lost their job over an email, an text message, or because their cannot access the corporate network anymore, is simply shocking.
Post-it breakups after a 10 years relationship isn’t right. It is cruel.
There is no empathy in that and that is very sad.
To reuse the words of the social psychologist Arie Kruglanski — People have a “need for closure”.